| It's time for some change! |
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| 12:38pm 05/09/2009 |
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mood:  motivated
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This is probably one of the most important entries I have ever written. Please if you can, read this although its long. It will effect ALL of us at some point.
This has been an unbelievable summer for me. Unbelievable in the rollercoaster fashion that I have come to expect in my life. I finished my summer fellowship at the cancer center last Friday. There were a lot of ups and downs throughout the 10 weeks I spent working full time there. It was emotionally draining and taxing. It uncovered my many clinical weaknesses in therapy that I have to continue to work hard at to overcome. But more than anything, the patients I met this summer taught me more than just clinical skills. In working with the dying, I feel like they truly taught me how to live. I'm eternally grateful for that. Because with palliative and end-of-life care, that is what we are talking about. Living...in all its infinite forms. I work with dozens of interdisciplinary team members at the hospital and we work hard to ensure that when it comes to end-of-life care, we are helping people to live. To live the time they have left the way THEY want to live it.
Nonetheless, during this very time came the national out-cries of Sarah Palin's "Death panels" and arguments that Obama is trying to tell "your grandma how to die." I can't begin to describe how heartbreaking watching this health care debate has been for me not only from my personal experience but from my newfound professional experience in end-of-life care. Obama's team had put together a health care plan that could change the course of not just our nation's health, but also our economy. I think the media and conservatives have done a good job muddy-ing up the facts of the plan. If you have time, please PLEASE read this very concise and factual overview of the health care plan from the White House that was emailed to me, please take a few minutes to read it: 
Ten years ago my mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had no insurance (we were all denied because of family history and prior diagnoses). She was forced to go to a teaching hospital that treated her poorly. They tried to work out a payment plan for her. The cost of her life-saving surgery to remove her uterus? $25,000. That was just for the surgery. No other treatment. And she had two kids to continue raising, and debt from my dad's own treatment. Until this day, my mom has not been able to pay off her medical bills. How can a waitress making less that $17,000 a year possibly pay off a bill like that?
But I have also seen so many cases this summer of doctors who did not have time to talk to patients about end-of-life care. I watched children, spouses and other loved ones who were COMPLETELY HELPLESS because they never had that kind of conversation with the patient or medical team. There were several moments like this. In one case early on in my summer, a patient and her family never discussed what is called the "Advance Directive." Lately in the media that has been dubbed as a "death sentence" forcing you to "pull the plug" on your loved one. Quite the contrary, the advance directive allows patients to ENSURE that their wishes are honored. They can be as specific or vague as one wants it to be simply by writing out scenarios in which a patient would or would not want a procedure done. In its most basic form there is the "Do not resuscitate (DNR)" and "do no intubate (DNI)" orders. This means no extra measures of CPR/shock to the heart or no tubes for breathing. DESPITE WHAT CONSERVATIVE MEDIA ARE STATING, YOU CAN WRITE WHEN YOU WANT TO BE DNR OR DNI AND WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO. You can make it whatever you want. But having the conversation with your doctors and family is important because if you are at end-stage disease and you become unable to speak for yourself, if your family does not know your wishes it leaves them in agony and turmoil. In this one case, because there was no advance directive discussed and documented on paper (this is important, even if you write it yourself, in most states there just needs to be some type of letter stating wishes) then doctors have no choice but to resuscitate. Often this is brutal and invasive to an already weakened body. Especially if already given a terminal diagnosis. This daughter I met with didn't know what to do when her mom starting to crash. So she let the doctors attempt to save her. But as she watched and saw the machines and the brute force of cpr breaking her mom's ribs, she screamed for them to stop. The patient ended up dying 5 minutes later. Did her last moments really have to be like that? If doctors were allowed to spend time and be able to charge insurance for this type of counseling, moments like these would be far less frequent. It would also save time and money for unnecessary procedures that in the end are not going to save someone. ER procedures such as that cost tens of thousands of dollars where as pain control can be done for a couple hundred in most cases.
That's what this "end of life" provision Obama proposed was for. Not to tell you how to die but allow for a thorough and thoughtful conversation about one's wishes with your doctor and medical team. It is a personal insult when I read and hear that end-of-life care is about the medical team taking away people's freedom to choose. If anything we are trying to be supportive and give patients and family TIME to think about it before it is too late!!!! Allowing doctors to have this time with patients provides more comprehensive care. As it stands, doctors specializing in end of life care often can only get paid for talking about pain control as opposed to the larger picture of advance directives and a patient's goals for living in the remaining time left.
Another example from this summer was when I met a wife and daughter whose husband died on the floor. She had no idea what he wishes were because they never talked about it. She looked at me as we sat next to his body and said, "I have been married to him for 49 years, but I have no idea what he wanted. I don't know whether to bury him or cremate him. We never talked about it. I don't know what to do." And she sobbed. This is what I see more often than not. This isn't just some structured email. This is Lauren. And I'm telling you from this experience real stories of what happens with lack of end-of-life care planning. And these, are some of the less horrible accounts. So when it comes up in conversation share these stories and facts. Or if you have TWO minutes to support the health care reform measures you can go online and sign the white house petition at http://www.healthreform.gov/support.html. I know I focused on one sliver of the reform plan, but the entire agenda will save lives and tons of money from a medical system that is crumbling and spilling billions of dollars of debt into our economy.
I'm not a particularly religious person, but this passage from a Martin Luther King Jr. speech has always meant a lot to me and I feel has new meaning and vibrance today in the 21st century:
"But I wouldn't stop there. Strangely enough, I would turn to the Almighty, and say, 'If you allow me to live just a few years in the second half of the twentieth century, I will be happy.' Now that's a strange statement to make, because the world is all messed up. The nation is sick. Trouble is in the land. Confusion all around. That's a strange statement. But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars. And I see God working in this period of the twentieth century in a away that men, in some strange way, are responding — something is happening in our world. The masses of people are rising up. And wherever they are assembled today, whether they are in Johannesburg, South Africa; Nairobi, Kenya; Accra, Ghana; New York City; Atlanta, Georgia; Jackson, Mississippi; or Memphis, Tennessee — the cry is always the same — 'We want to be free.'"
This is the time to continue our fight for freedom- no person should die or live in utter poverty because of lack of insurance. And some argue that we all were created equal and therefore shouldn't be handed insurance. We, some would say, all have the ability to attain the "American Dream." That is noble and I wish it were true. Racism and the aftermath of decades of it are still very much in effect. The poor may work harder than anyone, but they may not get benefits. It is fact that poorer neighborhoods have higher trends of disease not just because of lack of insurance but because the evolution of our country also made poor neighborhoods closest to environmental hazards, increased crime, decreased police presence, etc. A little known fact, insurance companies because of these increased environmental factors, can deny people OR make their premiums so ridiculously high that they cannot afford it. How is this equal? This is how car insurance works too. If you are a younger guy in a city your insurance goes up. Human lives are held to the same standards as vehicles? How is this free? How is this equal? Trying to change the trend in poverty will take continued decades to undo, but sadly I find it difficult to argue that all people have the ability to move up the social ladder if they work hard enough. As great of an idea that is, it is not the social construction of our country.
Yes I'm being long-winded, so if you are still with me, thank you so much! I am MORE than happy to provide articles and references to this information. All I guess I'm asking, is to think about it and, if you believe it, please share with as many people as possible. Sign the white house petition. It's time for some change!! |
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| 25: A Tribute to a Life Changing Year |
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| 11:50pm 24/03/2009 |
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music: Jimmy Eat World "A Praise Chorus"
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In my 500th post on LJ I pay honor to that ever present number in my life: 25. On my last day as a 25 year old I can't help but look back at all that has happened this year. It sure had its ups and downs- a lot of which I have yet to process because as great and challenging a year it has been, its more than anything been a whirlwind.
One thing that's hard is that I know tomorrow when I walk through the halls of my clinic, there will not be my dear friend Jamie hiding the secret that when I open my office door there will be decorations everywhere and love abound. My dental buddies won't be around. No having lunch at La Fiesta. Tomorrow I will not come home to my partner-in-crime with a dozen pink balloons. There will be no gang at the Melting Pot. 25 had such an incredibly rich start and its very interesting/hard that I end 25 feeling the polar opposite: alone and isolated. Lately I have felt like NYC isn't home, but I'm not part of Florida either. I'm kind of drifting. A complete juxtaposition.
BUT. That's just it. I'm on my own again. A scary thing to do at 25 going on 26. I'm here in my favorite (U.S.) city. Since playing "college" with Jessica and Kara in 4th grade I always said I wanted to go to NYU and live in the city. Well I don't live quite in the city but I'm here. It's pushed me more than I ever could imagine and more than the last few years have. It's amazing how different this time has been compared to when I moved at 18. Let's just say I see the maturity :) It's hard but 25 has opened up a whole new can of worms that I get to work on in the next 25 years ahead.
I've seen my major flaws play out amplified, but also my strengths. I have a much better picture of how I want to live my life professionally and personally in the future. And it's nothing like I expected a few years ago, thank god!
That's what I need to stay focused on. I feel pulled in a million directions right now and honestly, I will until May 1st. Its easy for my inner critic to tell me how I'm a horrible friend or incompetent student. That's the piece of the puzzle I hope to solve this next year. More peace in my life. But until then, there are the memories and support I have all around me. I know I will get there.
Thank you 25, you were everything I wanted and more.
The Big Moments of 25 (in chronological order):
1. The birthday
2. Getting into NYU
3. Cancer scare '08
4. Boston
5. Leaving Florida :( farewell party, leaving UFCD and realizing I can't ever be a pack rat again.
6. Moving to NYC
7. Graduate school. period. The work, oh the work. But the classmates!
8. The random NY moments (shows: Slackers Cruise, Amanda Palmer, Alice's tea cup)
9. Finding out I had new family members on my dad's birthday. strange.
10. Obama! The election, going to Philly and knocking on a million doors.
11. Mom's health scare and the time I realized I can do anything in grad school. Nov. 2.
12. Kate Winslet!
13. Holidays back in Florida
14. Savion Glover
And now some lyrics...
Are you gonna live your live wondering,
standing in the back, looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time thinking,
how you've grown up, or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna be the way you want
words are gonna get you acting silly
Things are never gonna be quite what you want
even at 25 you gotta start sometime
I'm on my feet
I'm on the floor
I'm good to go
All I need is just to hear a song I know
I wanna always feel that a part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight
Are you gonna live your live wondering,
standing in the back, looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time
gotta make a move, or you miss out
She was gonna ask you what it's all about,
stick around and won't let you down
She was gonna ask what it's all about,
what you're gonna say, show yourself
I'm on my feet
I'm on the floor
I'm good to go
All I need is just to hear a song I know
I wanna always feel that a part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight
Crimson, and Clover
over and over
Crimson, and Clover
over and over
Crimson, and Clover (our house in the middle of the street)
over and over (why did we ever meet)
Crimson, and Clover
over and over (starting my rock and roll fantasy)
Crimson, and Clover (don't don't, don't let start, why did we ever part)
over and over (kickstart my rock and rolling heart)
I'm on my feet
I'm on the floor
I'm good to go
So, come on babay
sing me something that I know
I wanna always feel that a part of this is mine
I wanna fall in love tonight (Crimson, and Clover)
I wanna fall in love tonight (Crimson, and Clover)
I wanna always feel that a part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight
I wanna fall in love tongiht
I wanna fall in love tonight... |
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| The Power of Self-Reflection |
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| 12:22pm 15/03/2009 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Heart "Alone"
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One thing that I am really starting to appreciate about my social work program is their constant push for our use of self-awareness. Everything in class, in internship, in papers is "How did you feel about that? What were you thinking in that moment? Has that happened to you personally?" It's exhausting and constantly pushing us. But I am starting to learn a lot more about myself than I imagined. It's really unexpected, but very much needed. Of course, a lot of it is hard. One thing my supervisor pushed me on a lot is about the concept of regret. I talked to her a lot about my personal philosophy of TRYING my best to live life without regret, a lesson I learned from losing my dad. I have had some people ask me before what exactly about that moment made that philosophy. I usually think of the day he died, not being by his side enough and feeling horrible and realizing how precious life is and how fast it can all change. But there is more to it that I had COMPLETELY and utterly pushed out of my mind. It wasn't just that day. It was the months leading up to it. After his first round of chemo he began to change. He didn't talk as much, was depressed. My mom was a great caretaker but the pain was too much for her. After making him dinner she would go to the garage and smoke cigarettes and forget her life alone. My brother was so young and so incredibly vulnerable that he hid in his room. I didn't know what to do. I would hang out with my dad for a little bit but I would feel SO very helpless. I couldn't make anything better. I couldn't take the cancer away. I couldn't make the reality that he was going to die go away. And so, I was an average B-C student when he got sick. And I became obsessed with school. It was the one and only thing that as a 13-14 year old could control. And I became an A student. And I would try to cheer up my parents with that. And I would also use it as an excuse to hide in my room and work incessantly all night on homework.
But I would come out to get a drink or snack and there would be my dad. My dying dad. Sitting alone in his wheelchair watching TV. Sometimes in the dark. Just staring out. Blankly. There was something about his face. The heaviest weight of sadness. And it hurts more than you can ever imagine. I have no way to describe in words what it was like. But this is the moment that really taught me about regret. I should have sat with him, hung out and tried to LIVE WITH HIM with what life was left. And that memory is so painful that over the years I have slowly pushed it out of my mind. This memory and the whole overall experience didn't just teach me about regret or give me my personal and professional future goals. I think looking back on it now, it shaped my perfectionism tendency I hate so much. It has also reinforced the guilt I always feel with everything. I think the guilt was something that started out of my parents' drinking but I think this played a role to.
Now in hindsight I know there is nothing I could have done differently. I was so young and had so few resources. It was too much to for one early adolescent girl to handle. I already was acting too much like the parent as it was. But its hard to forgive myself. To actually feel that it is okay. That it will always be painful. But what I am starting to find is that I can sit with that pain and deal with it. It doesn't go away but I can deal with it. I can handle it.
Its AMAZING how much you can remember when you are pushed to recall things. And not only remember an event but, once remembered, see how incredibly important those events are in shaping how we behave and think of ourselves in people NOW, even years later. The events impacts can be subtle. It can be so painful you repress it and forget all about it. Whatever it is, I am realizing that to truly grow and have a fuller, richer life (not just career as a therapist) means going through those memories. I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this yet because I am realizing so much about myself but as my 25th year winds down, I look back in wonder. I cannot believe I am where I am at 25. I may feel alone 87% of the time and I may have an inner critic that is as mean to me as Hitler, but I am proud that I have come this far and I have to try harder to believe that I can handle anything. Human beings are resilient creatures and its why I love working with people so much. It's a beautiful thing. |
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| Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes... |
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| 10:01pm 06/12/2008 |
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music: Julie Andrews "Favorite Things"
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These are a few of my favorite things (tonight):
1. THE FLORIDA GATORS WON THE SEC CHAMPIONSHIP! Woo hoo we are going to the National Championship and it was an incredible (if not anxiety-provoking) game and I will add to my treasures of Florida Football experiences. I'm glad I got to watch it with a fellow Gator fan and eat ridiculous amount of homemade food (and brownies mmm). Only bummer is that the National Championship is in Miami on Jan 8 and I leave the 3rd. Sucks but I'm still excited to watch it on TV!
2. AND THEN as if that was not enough, a little while after the game I SAW SNOW FALL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! I have never acted/felt like that in a loooong time. I was like a five year old screaming outside "It's snowing! It's snowing!" My roommate was frightened. I just ran and skipped and jumped around in the snow flakes. It was like playing with bubbles but with snow. It was so much fun...except when I realized I had no shoes on and a tshirt and the frostbite began to settle in. Seriously, the "Favorite Things" song played twice on the Christmas radio I was listening to on my computer while working on finals...a sign? It seems so.
3. I made some progress on finals which feels good, now I just need to keep it going. 9 pages downs, 31 to go.
It was a cool night. Go Gators!! |
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| A funny thing happened on the way to the NY Times... |
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| 11:01pm 01/12/2008 |
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mood:  chipper
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My life took a VERY surreal turn today. I went to the New York Times Center in the middle of Time Square to see....KATE WINSLET! The movie obsession of my life. In person. Live. Third row center in a teeny tiny theater. It was absolutely utterly incredible and unreal. She has been my favorite actress for the last 11 years. I cannot believe it. I came so very close to actually getting to meet her but alas her bodyguard had other ideas at the end of the evening. Nevertheless it was an incredible experience. It was an hour and half of her and her hubby, the ever-brilliant director Sam Mendes, talking about their new movie (which previewed two clips that were phenomenal!), past projects and each other. First of all, I am pretty sure they are the most amazing hollywood couple anywhere. They were incredibly honest and funny and most of all just genuine and warm. It was great. Better than great.
So on my way to the center, I got out of the subway tunnel and was in front of a building that looked oddly familiar. There were construction guys taking it a part piece by piece. I noticed a lime green door and I realized where I had seen it. A little over a year ago with Debbie. It was the Nederlander Theater "Rent" played in for 11 years. There was one little poster left saying "No day but today. Last performance Sept 7." It was so strange to see the place where a play changed my life and helped me cope with my grandfather's impending death. I first saw Rent when I saw my grandfather for the last time. Then I saw it last year when two of the original cast members returned (Sigh...Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal). I realized that meeting them was my last surreal moment in new york and then I walked literally NEXT DOOR to my next surreal moment. It was something. One ending leading to a new memory.
In between these two events I went to buy a granola bar since I had no time for dinner. As I went to pay I realized that I had left my wallet in my office at work. I sadly explained that I had to put the granola bar back and this older woman, who frankly did not look like she had much money, said "No no, I will buy it." I kept saying no but she insisted, saying, "It's only 75 cents and you need it."
Whoever said that New Yorkers aren't friendly are wrong. They are just different. They are not like Southerners and may not be outwardly warm but are friendly. It's just that when you do come across the occasional rude person they are usually exponentially rude, therefore giving everyone else a bad rap. Anyways, thats just my thoughts about NY so far.
Also, I got to see Jack's Mannequin a little over a week ago in concert. Andrew McMahon is wonderful and a humongous musical talent. I hadn't been to a show in a long time and although I had a sinus infection, I was able to find a nice seat in the front row away from the General admission crowd and just watch and take in his whole incredible show on the piano. If you ever get the chance see him live, do it. If only for his performance of "Caves," a song he wrote about cancer and surviving, just go. <3
Well, I am 17 days away from finishing my first semester of grad school. That is INSANE. I have worked my butt off and learned more than I could have ever imagined. I have been through every range of emotion (From feeling like a complete failure to "wow, I can rock at this one day", or being lonely/isolated to being with amazing cohorts that get it) and have grown so much. If there is one thing that is frustrating other than the given lack of a life, its that I wish I had more time to take in the huge amounts of knowledge and experience coming at me. I wish I could retain it all but finals are making me realize how easily I forget things. Hopefully it will come back when needed.
Today is World AIDS Day and working in an HIV/AIDS clinic has changed my life as well. I am so glad that my internship is there- it was a slow start but has really worked up to learning so much about people, cultures, society and myself. Today for example, I had a patient who is in her 50s from West Africa and is at the moment an undocumented resident. She has NYC's emergency AIDS insurance for her AIDS meds- a program that was started to help prevent people from dying. However, she recently has been having many multiple abnormal pap tests. She was referred to an Oncologist. He said it was "probably vaginal or cervical cancer" and gave her a prescription for a cream to apply once a week for 10 weeks and to come back. Now I KNOW from personal experience that is absolutely NOT the standard protocol. The standard would be a biopsy, ultrasounds and blood tests. But the doctor didn't do any of those things. She was in my office shaking. Bad enough to already have AIDS. But to hear the word "cancer" and have a doctor do almost nothing, not even additional tests? That's an outrage. Her emergency insurance doesn't cover the cream. What is she to do? Some may argue, "Well, she is illegal." This may be true HOWEVER, in the US no ER can turn away patients of any kind. When or if she does start dying from this and collapses in the street, paramedics are going to take her to the ER and we are going to end up spending THOUSANDS of dollars on her care regardless. So why not help her upfront, before all the agony and more costly care? This is what I see everyday. It's hard to look at a woman shaking, literally, and into her eyes and say "There isn't anything I can do, but I will make every phone call I can to try." Its heartbreaking. We have to remember that some of these people leave Africa and come here illegally out of desperation. They are impoverished, beaten in many villages and raped by men, and have no way to thrive. They come to this country with hope but with little knowledge about how to take care of themselves and the dangers of these medical conditions. I could go on and on and on, sorry. I just see the injustice everyday and will fight for my patients. And that's one of the unexpected but rewarding aspects I am discovering about the field of social work- to fight for justice.
I wouldn't want any other career.
So although it may be stressful and school is hard and I get lonely and dealing with my mom getting in the hospital again (for the 2nd time after Thanksgiving) is rough and it's REALLY freaking cold outside, I feel really fortunate. I am living in NYC and going to the best clinical program in the country. It may suck at times but god damn I'm lucky. I need to hold on to that more. So although New Years is a month away, I am realizing how much my life has changed and grown in 2008. |
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| The rollercoaster of my life...11/4 will not soon be forgotten |
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| 07:45am 05/11/2008 |
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I don't even know where to begin. I have been through the most intense, emotionally grueling at times and fantastical at others. I was working on a midterm when I got a call from a very upset mother at 9:30 pm who said she was in the ER in Miami and was having surgery very quickly. All weekend she had been complaining of intense pain in abdominal area, sleeping a lot and losing weight recently. I pushed her to call doctors but no one would see her until late december. I pushed her, "Please go to the hospital, please." After urging her all day she did. A lot is still unknown and I hope to find out more this morning but she underwent emergency surgery to remove something that was rupturing. She told me the doctors said if she had waited one more day she would have died. At 3 am I got word that she is safe and in recovery and I will get more information soon. Although I am sure she will be completely fine, the quickness in which it all happened and having her already have cancer and already having lost my fathers made it frightening beyond words.
As my mom was being wheeled in my dream came true of Obama being elected President. I can't even begin to describe the juxtaposition of these two events. I just couldn't stop crying for the life of me. In an attempt to keep myself calm, I watched Obama's speech and haven't been so moved in a long time. I believe in change and can finally breath again and hope that the future of America will be bright. Emergency plans to move to London have been postponed.
There is also this mix of anger. I am disgusted with Florida for voting into law a ban on gay marriage. It is incredible that in electing a Black man into the presidency, the same state could turn around and display such narrow-mindedness in equal rights for the LGBT community. What's hard to swallow about it is that it wasn't a narrow win, it was a landslide.
It goes to show that although we are making progress in this country we can NOT stop fighting for social justice and impacting the myriad of policies in this country. Like Obama said in his speech last night, there are tough times a head and we as Americans need to step up in the days and years to come. |
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| 10:38pm 01/11/2008 |
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I have had TWO NYC "celebrity" sightings in the last week and a half (my first ever in fact!) A week and a half ago I saw the comedian Jeff Ross and today on my way to watch the gator game I saw Richard Kind (he's been in a million things but was on Spin City and Mad About You forever). Mr. Kind kindly smiled at me when I was smiling staring at him. He seemed like a cool guy. Anyways it was interesting. I followed that experience by joining the NYC UF Alumni club, appropriately named the Gotham Gators at the Gin Mill on the Upper West Side. I was kind of dreading being in a bar with a bunch of drunk people after the disaster that was Halloween (story for another time...) but actually had a BLAST! It was like being in the stadium since everyone was screaming and yelling and doing cheers. It was cool...and we COMPLETELY kicked GA's butt which was AMAZIIIING!
Life here has been good I guess...just that there is only one piece of my life and that is school- morning to night, 7 days a week and it feels like twice on Sunday. Im learning so much but I am definitely battling some burn out. I am working my ass off and hopefully I won't lose grip of it now, really need to stay on top of things. Its just getting hard to absorb everything. Anywho, I still love the program and the city, if I could just explore it more :) Soon hopefully. Just need to make it out of midterms (2 papers left) and then finals. Almost there and then a break! |
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| 10:42pm 11/09/2008 |
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mood: all over the place music: jack's mannequin "bruised"
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Today has been such a crazy day. It's Sept. 11th and I'm living in NYC. It was weird- but alas I had classes and so was in the city. Walking around it seemed like the whole city was so unphased (im sure that wasn't the truth but its how it appeared). I worked hard all day and got to share my passion of Social Policy with Crissy and then after my last class there was a social with some of my social work cohorts. We ate at this great place and shared in a lot of our fears of starting social work and also lots of laughs too. It was a really amazing time. It was so fantastic to finally get to meet some people from my program and bond. But what was weird was that we are all walking back to Washington Square Park and one of the girls was talking and somehow the topic of cancer came up and I told her how I got interested in SW to begin with was because my dad had died of cancer. She stopped in her tracks and told me her mom had died of cancer. We were both 14 when it happened. And whats weird is where we stopped was right on an avenue corner that was completely uncluttered of buildings and a clear view of the two giant spotlights representing the twin towers. It was reaaaaally freaking weird. I was awestruck with how much those two spotlights stood out against the night sky and served as such a stark reminder of how much pain there is in that event and in this world. I think our whole group just kind of stop and stared for awhile. I don't know what it is about those lights but it gets to me. Then the aforementioned girl gave me a huge hug and said she was glad someone could understand. We all walked into the park where we were given professional hula hoop lessons by another girl in our program who does it on the side. Upon my turn a guy came up and gave me a dollar. No kidding. Like I said, It was a REALLY crazy day...not one I will soon forget. |
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| A month in! |
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| 11:32pm 06/09/2008 |
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mood:  hopeful music: random gator cheers
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I really need to document my life better because I am already forgetting a bunch of stuff I said I was going to write here. Damn. Well I will start backwards and hope I remember everything:
I watched the Gator v. Miami game tonight and it was AMAZING- Go Gators!!! But as exciting as it was to watch (and win!) seeing them film Gainesville made me homesick. Im glad I got to watch it on TV but I miss the spirit of the town, the cheers and being able to celebrate with everyone around you. Its not quite the same here in NYC. Just a little sad for me- especially since Tropical Storm Hanna is howling outside and raining.
HOWEVER, with that being said I had my first week of graduate school and I do know this- I ABSOLUTELY picked the right school for me and im in love with my professors. I wish I could be best friends with them. I also realize what it means to be going to a top clinical program because this curriculum, as amazing as it is, is going to kick my ass. Seriously. So, friends, please don't be mad if I disappear entirely until the summer. I have hundreds of pages of reading and my 21 hours at my internship required every week on top of classes. Its a lot but I will go forward and do my best. I feel like I am going to learn and grow so much (to be really cliche ;) ). Learn to be patient with the many younger students who are waaaaaay too tightly wound, to actually live the lesson of not being involved in EVERYthing and take a step back (particularly, to truly realize that doing millions of things do not prove what kind of person I am...I can still be that person and deserve to have a life) and hopefully learn lots of different therapy while I'm at it!
So other than going through school and adjusting to student life again I got to have some fun last weekend. My friend Ashley came to visit and we got to explore the city tons and I got to visit the David Letterman offices/studio and, yes, I tap danced on the Ed Sullivan Theater stage. It was pretty cool. Thank god no one was there :)
I am getting used to life here...I miss a lot but I'm trying my best not to dwell on that because it is easy to do but got me no where my first couple of weeks. I am getting along with my roommates and have met one friend in social work that likes chocolate and the arts. I love the city- there is so much stimulation here and I feel like options are endless (good and bad) and i love that about it. |
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| Life in the busy city so far... |
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| 02:43pm 14/08/2008 |
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mood:  calm
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Well, when I am not hiding out in my room pretending I don't really live in NYC I have had some awesome moments this week compared to last. Monday night the wonderful Miss Stage invited me to go see Amanda Palmer. My first night out in NYC- and got home at like 2am shaking with fright. But before that part there was the performance and it was AMAZING! She is so vulnerable and unafraid to share dark human emotions. It was very special. The venue (which is temporary which is a shame) was at South Street Seaport on the water by the Brooklyn Bridge- it was gorgeous. But standing for a couple hours already my back started killing me and so during the encore I went to the back and sat on the step. Well that's when Amanda decided to get her little ukulele and sang Creep by Radiohead acapella. Then she started moving around the whole venue and before I knew it she was standing right next to me with a giant spotlight on us, shoulders touching, with the girls from the opening band (Vermillion Lies- amazing check them out!). It was pretty freaking amazing although the spotlight was a bit much for me :p
Then Tuesday I got to meet up with Elgie and his girlfriend Natalie who is adorable. It was nice because it was the first real time I got to explore NYC. Its so much more amazing when you are not walking by yourself. That gets old after an hour I realized. We strolled around the Upper West Side and Central Park and then went down to Soho and had the best rice pudding at this place called "Rice to Riches". Its like an ice cream shop just with tons of different kind of rice pudding- only in NY. Then we got poured on.
Yesterday I kind of chilled out as usual. I have DirectTV which was a HUUUUGE surprise I didn't expect and couldn't have made any girl happier than me. HBO and other movie channels. Oh you know the danger. Then I went and explored Williamsburg a little bit with Kristin. Found this little French Bistro that has COQ AU VIN (my obsessive dish from Paris). It was delicious. So yea, it's been a fun week. Still trying to get used to things. Always lacking food since there's no grocery store near me. And here's a funny thing in my adjustment process- for the life of me until today I could not figure out how in the world to mail something in NY. You can put outgoing mail in the mailboxes. And then every time I found one of the metal street corner bins they were all sealed up. I have had a birthday card in my purse for several days trying to figure this out. I mean its such an easy task and I couldn't figure it out. Finally I tracked down one of my roommates and got directions to a bin to drop mail off (Sorry Jamie!).
I'm also starting to get a little nervous about starting school. I have been unemployed for a month and a week now and I like it. I don't want to work hard ;) But once it does start I know I won't feel so out-of-a-routine and useless. Toodle-loo for now. |
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| 11:11pm 10/08/2008 |
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On a very random note I must say that the Olympic Swim team is HOT (seriously) and reminding me that I have been single too long haha. I'm remembering why me and Jenn spent hours in my room watching them last time around. This is sad, but I have basically spent my first weekend in New York watching the Olympics. Oh well, next weekend should be more interesting :) |
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| It just takes some time... |
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| 10:02am 06/08/2008 |
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mood:  melancholy music: Jimmy Eat World
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Well, I have made it to New York. So far its going okay. I love my room, my roommates seem cool. It's just hard because inevitably i find myself getting really depressed without my Gainesville life. I didn't leave because it was bad...so its hard to have it be gone. Homesickness blows, and im tired of crying. Transportation right now for me sucks because I don't have any clue how to get anywhere. There is no grocery store anywhere near me. I don't know how to get the other things I need. I don't have the money to do a lot. I don't know- it sounds silly its just that everything is the opposite of Florida so when it all adds up its pretty damn overwhelming.
I had my interview for my internship and got the position at an HIV/AIDS clinic in a hospital in Queens. It went really well and felt like I really connected with the social workers there. Its going to be incredibly hard. The director point blank told me that this is one of the hardest hospitals to work at in the US (because it is a public hospital) and is the single most diverse zip code in the US. Every single sign in the hospital is in 6 languages. There will be times I need translators (who are volunteers) and sometimes when there are none, I have to use a machine to translate my voice into their language. The clinic is old and dark and horrible (proof that its a public hospital with no funding). It looks like something out of those dark 1980s heroin/crime-ridden new york movies. The majority of my clients will be immigrants or illegal residents who are broke and have no way to get medicine to survive. The case load will be between 50-100 this year for me. Wow. It's going to be so hard but I'm up for the challenge. The director told me that if I could work here for a year, I can literally work at any clinic in the country. On top of my regular case load I will have clinical group supervision on Monday afternoons, case meetings and social work staff meetings. Most internships NEVER have group supervision sessions so thats pretty cool. It was just a very overwhelming experience. However, the commute SUCKS there. One hour each way and my bus stop is under a highway overpass where only trucks go and they all stare and honk and feels very unsafe but its the only way to get there without spending a bagillion dollars. After meeting with the director, my interview with my supervisor was only supposed to be 15 minutes and I ended up staying there for about 40 minutes. At the end she gave me her office, cell and home number. She also said something which I thought was very nice: She said not to take anything new yorkers do personally because its just who they are- the rushing, not looking in eyes, manners or smiling. But despite that don't ever lose my southern charm- "you are very sweet and its whats getting you places."
So with that in mind I will try my best to just stay true to myself which I feel, for the time, confident in despite some people's claims that eventually the city will get me.
I'm just excited to start school and then internship. I need to start getting occupied because I have way too much time alone and I'm too social for that. Its just weird, there are times when it is really cool but more often I feel like this isn't reality and I don't belong here. Like the picture is all wrong. Its a weird feeling but hopefully I will get out of it with school. Until then, I will take it one day at a time until I get used to it. |
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| 10:50pm 02/08/2008 |
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So im staying the night in northern virginia and wil be in nyc by noon tomorrow. This has been the most emotional, gut-wrenching few days. ive cried more than a river and i am exhausted, not sleeping and not eating. i just cry whenever im not occupied by driving. I miss friends already and its weird because right now it feels like im only going on vacation and then i remember im not. I just want to get the million things out of my van and settle into my new life. Hope all my new yorkers out there give me a call tomorrow :) I can use all the help I can get. <3 |
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| Is it really already here!?!? |
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| 02:23am 01/08/2008 |
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mood:  mixed
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It's my last night in my room in Gainesville. I've said most of my "see you later"s. Im of course having trouble going to sleep and its just weird to see my place empty. The time spent in this apartment has been the very best of my life and its hard to believe I am leaving these happy times for the unknown. But I KNOW I have to try it out...just to see :P I just can't express in words how much I am looking forward to just get this move OVER with. Next time I write...I'll be a new yorker! Goodbye my beloved town. |
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| Two more weeks... |
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| 07:57pm 20/07/2008 |
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mood:  crazy music: Bittersweet Symphony (I heard it on the radio, no ties to current move haha)
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It's really starting to hit me that I am moving to New York in exactly two weeks. It all is happening so fast- and I'm overwhelmingly ecstatic and petrified at the same time. This limbo phase is killing me of not being there and not being a part of the plans here in Gainesville- esp. since not everyone is being very supportive here of my leaving (which is out of love so I'm not mad...just feeling a bit isolated). There's just so much I have and want to do before I go but there isn't enough time. I will say this- I LOVE being unemployed right now, it was everything I dreamed of and I think I would be damn happy staying at home for life :) BUUUUUUT I guess I should move forward with my plans to help others :p It was just nice to have a true break for the first time in I don't know how many years...10?
There is so much going in my head right now packing and cleaning everything out in Miami and Gainesville. I was in Miami for a week and spent the WHOLE time cleaning. I found stuff from first grade, no kidding. I think pack rat doesn't go far enough to describe my borderline hording disorder. Haha, but 12 outdoor garbage bags later and about an equal amount of donations...my room is cleaner than ever in my life in Miami so it can become a guest room :/ It was hard to throw things away knowing that once I did so the likelihood that I would ever remember it would be close to none. I found a card my dad had written to me on valentine's day and every note passed in the hall ways. It was amazing, sad, and more than anything I realized I was a CRAZY kid haha. When I got back I got a massive sinus infection that im now getting over and tomorrow will begin my Gainesville packing...my final move.
How I am moving my stuff to NYC is anxiety-provoking to my mind and wallet. I rented a minivan and hope I will get up there in once piece. It is soooo expensive when you are going one way...but it seems like the best way. I just need it set in concrete.
I am going to miss my friends and family I have made here. 7 years and it has been an unbelievable journey. I have met the best people of my life and its hard to believe you will meet another group of such amazing people. Its also hard to tell the difference of if you are staying in a place because its where you are meant to be versus whether you are scared and comfortable. I have to start believe more that the people in my life will stay there who are meant to be in it and take some comfort in that instead of dread. I feel pretty certain that this is an amazing place but i know there is something else out there for me. So here it goes. I'm taking my big leap of faith and am ecstatic. |
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| Oh D.C. you rock my world. |
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| 09:35am 22/05/2008 |
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mood: in love music: David Cook "World I Have Known"
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I really like this quote:
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." Tallulah Bankhead
There's some validity in that...Anyhow, my life lately...where to start. The word "whirlwind" comes to mind. The last month and a half has been, as usual, an emotional journey both good and bad. My mid-year resolution I made to myself this week is to try and shift my outlook and stop feeling so negative. I'm trying- its been hard. Had some very difficult goodbyes this week with people who have had such a gigantic impact on my life in the last couple of years that I will miss greatly. I think the fear that plagues me is whether I will ever see/talk to them again. When such unique, wonderful people come into your life you don't ever want to let it go. There's a lot of residual childhood issues there personally because there was so much loss growing up. But I feel that I am letting time drag me around (i.e. working 2 jobs and volunteering 20 hrs a week) instead of taking more control of my own life so that I have memories, am having fun, and feel happy. So I am trying to at least be more focused on the positives even if it feels like my heart is breaking about the goodbyes. I know grad school won't be easy but hopefully I can make more time to keep in touch and visit people. I also realize that I lot of it is just life and we all get busy/move on.
Anywho, thats what has been going through my head. Now on to the things thrilling me in my life:
1. I am going to visit NYC next week for a Field Placement Orientation/Find a place to live. If all goes well with the Orientation then I will DEFINITELY be moving to NYC in August :)
2. Anyone who has talked to me in the last three months know that I have been an insane, avid David Cook fan on American Idol, I dare say even the first major fan. I only started watching this crazy show because of him...and he is amazing in every way possible and won. What's AMAZING is that he will be performing on the Today Show in NYC WHILE IM VISITING!!!!!!!! <3 <3 Oh my stars I am so excited. I mean, the vocals on this man are ridiculous AND he is a huge cancer advocate AND he considers himself an "expert TV watcher". Just my kind of guy...I'm ridiculous I know :p
3. I saw the most amazing show of my life a couple weeks ago...anyone who has the chance to see The Swell Season (aka the two amazing actors from the movie Once- go watch it) will never regret it. I have been to my fair share of shows and this was far and beyond the best. I've never seen so much talent and pure raw emotion on stage. It was amazing.
4. My last day of work at the university is at the end of June. I will have accounting job on the weekends still but for a month I will be free for the first time since I was 14 years old. I have never had a summer off since then. So the month of July is all about spending time with folks before I go move so let me know if you want to hang out :)
That's all I can think of for now. I leave everyone with the greatest treasure one could have: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HnfYNLhkqM |
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| 08:40am 27/02/2008 |
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mood:  relieved
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* I have FINALLY completed an entire application package to a Masters of Social Work program (@ NYU)!!! HOWEVER, one professor is not getting me my letter of recommendation and its holding my entire package back. The deadline is Monday and I am freaking out. I'm SOOO close.
ITS DONE! I mailed my application! Woo hoo! |
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| Random thoughts |
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| 11:42am 26/02/2008 |
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mood: chipper music: "When Your Mind's Made Up" from Once
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I logged onto my Google homepage this morning and saw this quote that I really loved and felt sufficiently described my daily struggle in life:
"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult."
- EB White
Life, where is it disappearing!? I can't believe its already the end of February and that many of my friends, including myself will be turning the magical 25 this year. Astounding.
As of late here is what I have been up to:
*I listen to BBC radio every single day on my computer at work. It brings me joy beyond words but what is sad is that all I think is "I just want to live in London" about 10 times while listening.
*I work 6 days a week still at two jobs and on top of that for the last 4 weeks I have been a full-time trainer at the crisis center pretty much every weeknight. It's been the most exhausting/draining/amazing learning experience these last few training cycles. We do it for three, 6-week training cycles a year. This is my third time going through it and I can't believe how much it has positively changed my maturity. On the downside, I have no life and I am sorry to everyone who never hears from me, I think of you all of the time but literally during training work 80 hours a week.
* I have FINALLY completed an entire application package to a Masters of Social Work program (@ NYU)!!! HOWEVER, one professor is not getting me my letter of recommendation and its holding my entire package back. The deadline is Monday and I am freaking out. I'm SOOO close.
* This past weekend was the annual crisis center pig roast/volunteer appreciation weekend and I had a blast. Debbie and myself had something really cool happen there but I find that I can't tell anyone for some stupid reason (most likely linked to my lack of self-esteem). I feel like if I tell people I seem like I am gloating or showing off when really I am not... but at the same time I am pretty excited about it...so I end up saying nothing. I will post about it later- I just had to get it off my chest that I have serious confidence issues that I should probably deal with.
So that's me in a nutshell as of late. |
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titanicprincess's journal
anxious